Dear Professor Chris Butynskyi,

Your 9 AM

 Monday Wednesday Friday 

Ancient Western Civ course was the very first college class I ever attended. 

I made sure to arrive early.

Much too early. 

And came fully prepared,

 not really knowing what to expect.

I sat in the front row to set myself apart,

 and waited nervously for you to begin. 

You appeared to be very confident, 

almost arrogant, 

striding back and forth in front of us. 

You introduced yourself, 

Told us to never call you Doctor, 

and that you had absolutely no sympathy for us as students. 

You began by promising us you were going to destroy us. 

You read us your class introduction entitled "Welcome to Purgatory"

and followed with the assurance of our emotional demise. 

I believe the words were something like

"I will strip you of all positive thoughts you have about yourself, 

and reduce you down to nothing but a pile of ashes. But as the phoenix, you will then rise from the ashes and be stronger for it." 

You told us you HOPED to offend us. 

That you would challenge us in ways we had never even thought about prior to stepping foot in your class. 

That you would dispel within us the notion that education is tied to utility,

 and that "higher education" is synonymous with "employment agency."

You promised to help teach us how to live a "life of the mind."

And I was TERRIFIED. 

Initially, 

I was fearful I would be unable to meet your standards. 

This was my first college class.  

I had to prove to you but also to myself that I was capable of this. 

I was always a good student, 

and unflinchingly determined to succeed, 

but the promise to vanquish what little confidence I had evoked a deep seated fear in me. 

My stomach began to flutter and turn like Satan's wings in the innermost circle of Hell in Dante's Inferno. 

What if my insecurity kept me there?

What if like Satan in the Inferno I was desperately trying to rise from the ashes and fly, 

but couldn't?

What if I was beaten down and destroyed,

but then became so entangled by my own feelings of inadequacy that I remained entrapped in the ice of cold criticism? 

I remember turning the thought over and over in my mind. 

I have a sincere passion for learning.

It feels like the most incredible luxury to be in college. 

To have the chance to read and study so many different and amazing things I otherwise would not have the opportunity to. 

To glean wisdom from countless inspiring professors with diverse backgrounds and stories, 

not to mention perspectives and beliefs. 

To wake up and be genuinely excited about going to my classes. 

I refused to be fearful or defeated. 

The next class I came prepared and excited to see what class with you would actually be like. 

Before long your class was one of my favorites. 

I loved everything we read and was so eager to discuss the topics. 

The class period is far too short.

50 minutes to discuss some of the most remarkable minds, 

to analyze questions philosophers have been grappling with for years, 

and to completely alter our perspective on life and literature.

I leave every single one of our classes completely reaffirmed this is where I am meant to be. 

Some of the reading is hard.

The papers take me hours, 

You expect a lot out of us, 

And really make us earn an A. 

I could't possibly be more thankful for each of these things.

I have grown beyond what I could ever possibly measure through your class this year.

You've challenged my views and made me question just about everything I believe.

I've laughed, cried, and yes even bled over class discussions, readings and papers, 

desperately seeking to earn my place. 

You have corrected, rebuked, and encouraged us when appropriate, 

shown us how literature and philosophy impacted history and vice versa, 

dispelled various false ideas we've been trained to know, 

empowered us to break the cycle, 

shaped us into better writers and debaters, 

made several of us ponder converting to Catholicism and History majors,  

told us countless stories and somehow always tied it seamlessly into our readings, 

connected with us,

inspired us, 

given us a stellar summer reading list through all of your suggestions, 

and taught us how to seek after a life of the mind. 

I have been waiting my entire life to be in a class like yours. 

The feedback you've given me has meant so much more than you know. 

For the first time I really believe I could make something of myself. 

I don't know how to articulate it exactly, 

but I feel like I can hold my ground. 

Like maybe, just maybe, 

I could really do well here. 

That my unquenchable passion for learning and literature can transpire into my work and I could be genuinely proud of it. 

That I can be more than a listener, 

I could be a participant. 

I've always been incredibly fearful of mediocrity.

I want to look back 50 years from now and know that I never settled in my education. 

Even through writing this letter, 

there are still so many thing I wish I could find the words to say.

I am so incredibly thankful for all of the time, work, dedication, and energy you pour into your job.

Your passion is infectious and has inspired me in so many ways. 

I am sincerely going to miss your class.

Thank you so much for terrifying, exacting, and supporting me. 

I sincerely appreciate the standard of what you expect from us and how you help us reach it. 

Words are futile in trying to adequately express my gratitude,

But once again, 

Thank you. 

With all my love, Meg

Dear Words I've Left Unsaid,

You deserve to be heard.

Your voice should be released for all to hear.

I am so sorry for repressing you, 

for not having the courage to release you.

To let you see the light and feed off of the oxygen in the atmosphere.

I've kept you locked in for ever after, 

like a pure princess with golden locks and far too much bitterness for one heart.

I've buried you deep, 

you're pushing up daisies,

yet much deeper than 6 feet under the soil.

Some of you remained in for fear of others judgement, 

others were locked away because my weak tongue and frail voice were simply not determined enough to bring you to life.

How many opportunities have I missed by extinguishing you?

How many lives did I miss the chance to touch?

Selfishness overtakes my heart like unruly vines,

 latching on and growing around everything in its path. 

Insecurity has locked you in.

Forcing you to pace back and forth in my disheveled mind.

Between the tip of my tongue and the back of my head, 

back and forth until you are overworked and unintelligible, 

Insecurity rebukes your advancement.

Always second guessing…

I am so fearful of leaving more things left unsaid.

These words are like water slowly filling up my lungs, 

drowning me slowly with each accumulating droplet.

Words of encouragement, raw honesty, and resentment.

Words from God placed on my heart to be spoken to the congregation, 

Words given to me specifically to touch someone else. 

Yet I selfishly hoard them. 

Locking them away from innocent ears.

If I were to write you out, 

all of you.

If I were to breathe air into your dusty hearts,

Bringing you bodies of paper and ink, 

swelling with emotion, 

standing firm unmoving on the page, 

yet running fast and all together eager to be free…

What would you do?

What weight would you hold?

If I brought life to everything I suffocated within myself, 

If I demolished the chains of all that held me back.

If I laughed in the face of insecurity and danced in place of judgement.

If I were to relinquish the things that were more beautiful than silence, 

Sincere yet raw.

I am so sorry for not having the courage to tell you how deeply you hurt me.

And how desperately I wish you would see me, 

Really see me,

And care.

Instead of telling you,

 I let resentment and bitterness overtake the corridors of my heart.

I am so sorry I never told you how much I despise your apathy.

You are capable of so much more than I could ever express, 

Yet you squander your power in filth and lethargy.

I am so sorry I didn't tell you how gorgeous you are, 

That I was fearful vocalizing emphasis to your beauty would diminish my own.

I am so sorry I was unable to tell you how much I loved and admired you before you slipped through the cracks of this mortal world.

I'm sorry I never told you that you were the absolute light of my existence through some of the hardest years of my life,

 And I would never be the person I am today without you. 

I'm sorry for not telling you the second I doubted,

You deserve that.

I'm sorry for not telling you that your pants were too small and your shirt was too low.

You are a beautiful daughter of the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth and you deserve the proper attention.

I should have reminded you of that.

I am sorry I never told you how deeply your fire scares me.

You are full of this roaring passion, 

And with it you will do so much.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you how worthy of being loved you are.

I am so sorry for not telling you what you do to my heart.

I apologize sincerely for not adequately expressing my love and gratitude to you for everything you are, 

and all you've done for me. 

I am so deeply remorseful I am now unable to say everything I've left unsaid. 

In retrospect,

Years flee like seconds. 

Time swallows us whole.

Hearts can be crushed in a moment, 

Never to pulsate with love again…

Don't leave a single word unsaid. 

Write letters.

Laugh uninhibited.

Be honest, 

With others and especially with yourself.

Seize every opportunity, 

And paint every day in PASSION.

Once gone, 

Today is irretrievable.

Don't let it pass without speaking every word on your heart.

With all my love, Meg 

Dear Tumultuous Waves,

"He gave the sea its boundary 

so the waters would not overstep His command…" 

Proverbs 8:29

Lord God, 

How could I even begin to articulate your majesty?

Father, 

How could I even speak of your 

immense power?

Abba Father God, 

You are the master and creator of this entire,

crazy,

BEAUTIFUL 

cosmos! 

You are so much bigger than we could ever imagine or credit you to be, 

and God you want to use ME,

little me,

 For the work of your kingdom.

Your oceans God are vast beyond measure, 

Eons deep,

They rage and roar, 

Consuming all sound that dares to compete.

They do not concede to our control.

Nothing manmade can compete with the furious thrashing waves.

We are frightful of the depths,

And are wary of the mystery of what lies beneath their breaking crests.

The waves of your oceans God are such an exclamation of your power!

 And God we are fearful of it. 

But you Lord, 

You tell the ocean where to stop.

You have shown the sea its boundary and are God over all of your creation!

The waves of the water fold under your power! 

The water follows the waves of your voice,

And flows in the melody of your mercy.

You are greater than the raging seas, 

Your control God is so present! 

Lord help me remember that you are in control of the the tumultuous waves in my life. 

That I can hear your still small voice LOUDER than the deafening roar of the lies of the enemy,

 and the words of this disgusting, broken, sinful world! 

I can hear your sweet whispers above all of this, 

If only I choose to listen. 

Lord,

I am so small. 

I am weak.

I am helpless.

I am childlike.

I am broken.

I am inadequate.

I am sinful.

I am SELFISH.

But God, through all of that you will be made strong! You will be glorified! 

In my weakness your strength is magnified so far beyond what I can see! 

Through YOUR NAME God, 

I am redeemed.

I am accepted.

I am hopeful.

I am forgiven.

I am usable.

I am WANTED! 

I am clean.

I am made new.

God, you are 

making me NEW! 

Father God, 

I want so desperately 

to be used for the

work of your kingdom! 

I want you to work

 through me Lord God!

Break me Lord,

Fill me Lord to be emptied again! 

I stand in complete awe of your work.

Every day God, how can I do anything BUT PRAISE?

Father thank you for not only allowing me to rest in you through the midst of the the turmoil, 

Through the seemingly untamable and all consuming waves of anxiety, stress, and fear God,

But for allowing me to walk with you God upon the water.

In your name God, 

I can walk where feet fail, 

Above the burdens. 

I can tread upon that fear Lord because it is made into dust in your name! 

Help me keep my eyes on you Father.

Help me keep my eyes above the waves, 

Looking up, 

Trusting you with every single piece of my heart.

Without borders God. 

You limit the turmoil of the waves God, 

But help me not limit what you can do. 

Help me rejoice in the waves God! 

For when my feet fail, 

Your arms are there to carry me, 

And your strength is proved GREATER!

Thank you so much, Abba Father.

With all my love, Meg 

Dear LFP Family,

There have been very few times in my life so far where I have looked back at one particular moment and felt immensely proud and confident in the decision I've made. 

I'm not really in the business of being proud of myself to be honest. 

But the day I sent in my application for LFP,

was the day I placed the first steps of the most remarkable journey into motion.

I had no idea what I was in for. 

A year before we met, 

I was terrified of you.

I was so afraid to leave my little Christian school and try to fit in with all of you.

You all seemed so much more qualified, 

So much more deserving of your place than I did. 

All of you are captains, founders, organizers.

Leaders.
Sure,
I'd met the"qualifications",
But I still felt so far from meeting the standard.

August 18, 2013
 rolled around and we all finally met for the first time.
Placed faces to names and trying desperately to remember them all.
Excited and scared,
completely unsure, 
yet ready.
In omnia paratus.
Ready for anything.

It's a good thing we were too! 
We had no idea how that first week would change, challenge, inspire, grow, and bond us. 
We learned to trust each other in ways that were foreign to most of us, 
and became close in so much less time than I even realized was possible.
Through trusting complete strangers to guide us, lift us, catch us, listen to us, work with us, unknot us, sing with us, and jump into this crazy experience together. 
Worship in the auditorium and the Great room, 
our voices unified and echoing strong, 
praising our beautiful Savior as one body, 
one family. 

I had no idea that first day how much all of you would mean to me. 
Each of you has touched my life in an irreversible and very real way.
You have shown me so much about myself.
I've grown beyond measure since being here.
God has worked tremendously through each of you

I love you dearly friends, 
Each and every one of you with every single piece of my heart.
LFP has utterly and irrevocable altered my life,
and each of you were a part of that. 
Thank you so much. 

We are a family.
And that means so much more to me than what I could ever tell you.
We will stand by each other through the storms that will inevitably come and devastate,
through the quite joyful moments spent amongst each other in comfort,
through times of chaos and complete confusion, 
through the big news, 
and the little blessings.
To keep each other from being stupid, 
and encouraging each other to sprint towards what we want,
uninhibited, 
and full speed ahead.
We are a family.
No one gets left behind, or forgotten. 

I have no special talents or gifts, 
except that I truly and genuinely care about people.
I am nothing more than a little girl who genuinely cares for, 
loves, 
and would do anything for you. 
I am so fearful I will leave this world leaving things unsaid. 
It is so important to speak whats on our hearts because you truly never know when you will be silenced evermore.

I believe in you all so much more than you know. 
Each and every one of you is such a clear EXCLAMATION of God’s majesty and glory!
I had no comprehension of how dearly I could care for a group of people.
I am tremendously blessed to have the PRIVILEGE of knowing each of you,
 and being able to say I am a part of this family.

Thank you so much.

With all my love, Meg